Life has its uncertainties. Relationships have its uncertainties. Jobs and businesses have uncertainties. Friendships have uncertainties. Some of the uncertainties are out of our control while some can be worked upon. The whole idea is to minimise the effects of these uncertainties on one’s self in order to remain calm, poised and mentally relaxed. In this post, I’ll talk about the uncertainties in our language. Vague language can work for or against us, but mostly it works against us as vague questions lead to vague answers.

We influence to a great deal how we think, feel and act with ourselves (through our self-talk) and with others (through dialogue with others) through our language. Language is the only currency of verbal communication.

Here are three 3 aspects of our communication that generally lead to uncertainties, vagueness and negativity.

1. The generalisations we make
2. The details we leave out
3. The distortions we do through our language

I will discuss generalisation, deletion and distortion with respect to Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP).

Reduce Generalisations

Generalisation is where the speaker generalises everything by taking a particular experience and applying it ‘generally’ to a lot of other situations. Generalisations occur when we reach a final conclusion based on one or two experiences, taking them as indicative of a whole class and paying no attention to exceptions. People keep living with generalisations, statements and their conditioning. People get stuck up with generalisations. People have their own tags and roadblocks in communication and assumptions.

Examples:

• I am not good enough.
• Nobody talks to me at work.
• Work life balance is not possible.

Note the words: not good, not possible, everybody, always, never, nobody, can’t, unable, need, must, necessary

Questions to ask to break the pattern:

• Who says? What tells you that? What are your interests? Are you good at them? Can you think of some achievements? Can you do something about it? What if you could improve?
• Nobody? What tells you that? Is there one person who doesn’t? Do you talk to others at work? Do you eat with your team?
• What tells you that? For whom? Do you know anyone who has it? What can you do to achieve it? What if you could?

If the generalisations are limiting, we question them else we don’t. People have a pattern and this reflects in all aspects of their lives. “I’m not good enough” reflects in all aspects of the speaker’s life. One has to reduce generalisations to improve thinking, feelings and action.

Reduce Deletion

Deletion is everywhere in our language and we don’t even realise it. Simply put, deletion is where details are deleted as the speaker chooses what to focus on. Deletion occurs when we omit, tune out or overlook. We delete parts of our experience, either because we don’t notice them or they fail to register or we discount them as unimportant. We delete details and say vague statements. A lot of times speakers don’t want to be responsible for their comments/ownership of the message and use the technique of deletion. They don’t want to play upfront.

Examples:

• He is not good in Maths.
• She’s a failure.
• He rejected me.
• She was left alone.

Words to listen for: Those which require an opposite such as success, friendly, accepted, cold, bright, happy, rich, sad + verbs which require clarification.

Questions to ask:

• Which particular aspect of Maths bothers him? Compared to whom? Not good in what way? What are your measuring standards? What is he good at?
• What did she fail exactly? Who says so? Has she failed at everything she’s done? Are there no achievements? Is she succeeding with anything? Has she not drawn your attention successfully?
• How can you say that? What did he do that you are calling rejection? What was your offer? What exactly did he say?
• What do you mean by alone? Does she have a support structure?

Reduce Distortion

Found a lot in the work life, distortion is when the speaker distorts something to mean something it was not intended to mean. People conclude basis their distortions. Distortion is often a personal prejudice that twists our perceptions. We amplify or reduce our experience, see it differently, to suit our narrative.

Question the conclusion subtly to improve your thinking. When people understand, they change the distorted message to improve their thinking. It is also a process of deletion. People don’t know what to do and have to blame someone. It is all in the head- the entire distorted message.

Examples:

• She never agrees with me so she doesn’t love me.
• I know he doesn’t want to support my initiative.
• My boss is driving me crazy. He wants me to quit.

Words to listen to: Statements in which one thing causes another and the conclusion in the second part is based on the meaning attached in the first part. Basically, the statements don’t add up.

Questions to ask:

• In what way does her not agreeing to you mean that she doesn’t love you? So what way does she show that she loves you? Is there nothing she agrees on? Do you agree to everything?
• How do you know? Are you a mind reader? Have you asked him directly? Has he said it directly?
• What specifically is he doing that causes you to feel crazy? Has he asked you to quit? Have you discussed your situation with him? Is he aware about your craziness?

A lot of speakers twist and alter the message out of its original state to suit their narrative/perception. Speakers come up with distorted statements which are conclusive and confusing in nature. Sometimes our conditioning becomes a distortion. We have beliefs and we conclude basis that.

Key learnings to Improve How YOU Think, Feel and Act

• Pick up generalisation, deletions and distortions around you. Just contradict your thought process so that you can think from another angle. Show yourself the mirror. It works. The impact of generalisation, deletion and distortion is everyday. Shape your language for the results. We are what we say.
• Your language directly demonstrates your values and beliefs. You can learn the underlying values and beliefs by paying attention to your language choice and the language of others.
• Language can be empowering or disempowering- Your choice how you want it. Generalisations, distortions and deletions can work for or against you. Pay attention to your language and those of around you. Language has an impact on how we feel, think and act.
• Change your language for better results. Cannot reinforce this time and again. We have choice over our language, words, sentences, anecdotes and analogies. Change your language to change the results, either ways. Change the stories you tell yourself to influence your emotions and how you feel, think and act.

Note: I have written this article in detail to empower you with tools to improve how you think, feel and act. You can also book counselling sessions with me to open up your limits. People often blame themselves and others around for their limiting beliefs and actions. My clients come through the filters of limiting beliefs, experiences, situations and value systems. I help them find clarity, purpose and peace.

You must read about my Personal Communication Coaching: Taking you from chaos to clarity . Enrolling for my sessions is a good idea if you are stuck up professionally or personally or both and want a clear cut path ahead. It’ll be a pleasure to serve you and see you fly!

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